Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Nowhere to go...

Guess now I have come to a point where I really have nowhere to go. I've been around places for sure. But nothing seems to be certain as to which one I can finally call my own - my home. 

At times I am happy and contented. At other times I feel lost and empty. The latter, unfortunately, has proven to be a more loyal visitor than the former.

Analyzing where I am exactly now, I have no direct answer, nor have I any answer at all. Even the simple question of what makes me happy creates doubt. Sure my answer is that of the Miss Universe type - to make other people happy is what makes me happy - but it is not right. It doesn't even feel right.

A colleague once said that it makes him happy to accomplish something. Even that sounds vague. What is there to accomplish?

I have given up on my career. I have fallen so hard I'm having difficulty picking myself up. Health is slowly deteriorating. I can even sense death creeping, sneaking, ever so dramatic. I will not be surprised if one day I find it difficult to think, let alone remember. 

Life is real, life is earnest. Longfellow said. And it is life that I may not be able to understand.

And love. There will always be this longing. And fear. Always there is fear.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

This has just to be posted somewhere...

No matter how you try to run away from the things that make you sad, nor how much you hide that sadness, you'd end up not successful. Feeling of depression will always be an unpleasant guest - oftentimes frequent, at other times passing by quickly as if to just say hi. But depression is like a loyal friend. It doesn't forget. That's why ot stays with you though at times it gives you space.

And right now, depression is an annoying friend that won't be shooed. And it brings with it an idea of ending a life. My life. Because...

What's there to live?


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Celebrating Life @ 34

And the dog and I needed a walk!

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Lord, teach me to toil and not seek for rest

Whenever someone asks me why I chose to get into teaching, my constant reply is that I did not choose teaching, it chose me. True enough, I never really wanted to become a teacher. Truth be told, I thought teaching was not a sophisticated profession, albeit boring. I wanted to get to the more glamorous industry of broadcasting. However, things didn't turn out how I wanted them to. One day, I saw myself taking the MRT to Shaw Boulevard for my first reporting day as a test review instructor. That stint proved that teaching is never boring after all. Every day, you deal with different problems in different scenarios, and no solution nor approach can ever be the same. Like that of a broadcaster, you touch people's lives by sharing knowledge and helping them get through the tough process of achieving their dreams on a more personal level.

If I would be asked today if I ever regretted being a teacher, my answer would be NO. I was called to this profession. There was no other choice for me but to follow. With that, I believe I am exactly where I'm supposed to be - not there, but here as a teacher.

Monday, June 8, 2015

June 8, 2015

I introduced you to the mountains. You fell in love with them right at the first sight, and they always lingered in your mind. I can see from some of your photos (yes, I stalk) how much fun you have when you're with them. The glow on your face is a testament to your happiness. That same glow makes me long for ever so much to see those mountains, I myself loved even before you did. Sadly, all I can do for now is to love them for life will not allow me to go back to them. I will never have that kind of adventure - those that I have always dreamed of. Those things, like you, will just remain something close to me - a dream.

I've been through many tough battles in life. I've lost many important persons so well-loved. I've failed in so many aspirations. Several times I attempted to redeem myself, to fight back, but, how can one win when the one being fought against is life itself? A very dear "friend" told me I'll overcome. I hope I had his confidence.

For now, all I can do is to bear this painful cross and look at you...

Monday, June 1, 2015

I guess I made it?

It is when you think you are about to die that you realize how much better it is to live despite the adversaries you are facing. It makes you regret that for even a split second longing for death ever crossed your mind. Life is not perfect, but its imperfections are what make it more meaningful. It is just a matter of how you deal with the not so positive things that come your way. I have my own share of difficulties that made me wish life does not exist. There is really no point of living when everything will still come to an end. Everything you worked hard for, all that you love, all that matters to you, will all be gone, and may be taken from you in the harshest possible way. Or so I thought. There is indeed a bad side to life. So bad that you would want it to end. Yet on the other side of the coin, life is a beaming ray of light, pulling you out of the dark.

I'm so happy I'm so alive!

Friday, February 20, 2015

Starting Anew

This is my work nook of 6 years, and I'm bidding it goodbye forever today!

The year 2015 has so far brought a promising start for me. Everything coming my way seems to always present something good to look forward to. And I welcome every one of them with a surprised smile and gentle embrace.

Now I can only be so happy with these new challenges, new friends, new knowledge, new skills, new responsibilities, new computer set(S), and new office. I'm moving out of the old, moving in to the new, and moving on with life....